Moments.

Heh. Just when you thought I'd totally abandoned this blog...

God has really been working in my life lately, in ways that I haven't quite known how to put into words. I don't want to say that He's testing my faith, per se, but maybe He's trying to reveal to me what my faith *really* looks like.

We all know that I was an active believer for many years and stepped away from my faith to marry D. You know what I regret most about that? Marrying D wasn't the worst part of it; instead, I feel like I can never regain the relationship I once had with God. It's not that I think God doesn't love me, or that He won't be involved in my life. But there was a time when I trusted Him as my everything - unconditionally - and I trusted Christians just as much.

It's like any relationship that was severed for a while - there seems to always be a scar there afterwards.

A few things have happened recently that I really want to share.

I went to Lar's grandmother's funeral on Tuesday. Lar handled it well. I, however, was a mess... cried through the whole freakin' thing. That was an interesting day anyway... the four hours of driving alone really gave me a lot of time to reflect on things, and I found myself really missing D's mother, to the point where I was thinking about writing her a letter.

Anyway, at the funeral, everyone who got up to spoke said the same thing - she was a woman of unwavering faith. She fought the good fight. She kept the faith. She went the distance. (See 2 Timothy, chapter 4.)

And how sad it made me that that couldn't be said about me. I *want* to have unwavering faith. I want that to be the stronghold in my life. I want to be so ethical that I charge sales tax at my stand at the flea market and surrender that money to the government.

Lately, I've really had it on my heart to tithe (giving 10% of your income to God, through an offering at a church). If you read my other blog, you know that money is terribly tight for me these days, and it's been very hard for me to give up control in this area of my life to God, particularly when I'm so panicked. But I want to trust that God will honor my desire to serve Him in this way and will not allow me to fall into financial destruction as a result.

Through this, I am realizing how little I actually do trust God, and that, too, makes me sad. When I sat down and calculated my monthly expenses and included the tithe, I found that I'll end up spending more than I make, and that wasn't even counting funds for food. Yet I know the Bible says, "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'" (Matthew 19:26).

I don't want my God to be money any longer. I don't want to be ruled by the worry and the panic. And I want this to extend to other areas of my life. I want to trust God with all things, to acknowledge that He truly is the Lord of my life, that I trust Him to do things that are superhuman, that I don't hold Him to the limits of what is humanly possible in the ways I think about Him and what He can do.

I worked at the rock climbing wall/ropes course today, and we had a young adults group from the Brooklyn Tabernacle. (You may have heard of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir; they've won a couple of Grammys.) They were the most amazing group. It's no secret that I've struggled with Christians lately; experiences in mypast have left me distrustful, and even hateful at times, toward them. I hate to be this way; really, I do. Genuine, believing, praying Christians are some of the most delightful people ever. When I see a person with really deep laugh lines on their face, I'm almost certain to find that they're believers.

This group just really touched me and blessed me with their genuine kindness, their remarkable humor (I laughed all day), their helpfulness, their welcoming nature - I joined them for their afternoon service, and Hector and I even came back this evening for the evening service, and they all introduced themselves and were thrilled to have us, their unhidden desire to know God more. And it was fabulous to be around Christians my own age, in a place where I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I wasn't being judged.

At the evening service, they broke the men and women into separate groups. I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to spend time with Hector in this way, but I knew he'd be blessed by the group, too. The female staff leader, Sue, talked about looking for marriage. One of the things she said really stuck out to me: if it is God's will for you to marry the person that you're dating, He will send you confirmation of that. If everyone in your life is saying that you shouldn't be with X, or that they don't like X, you're probably going against God's will. She talked about how her father predicted she'd marry her husband before they even began dating, how at a prayer meeting, Brian brought up the same Bible verse that she'd journaled about earlier that morning.

So (of course), I started thinking: Have Hector and I been confirmed by those who love us? I couldn't really think of anything, but his parents' aversion to our relationship came to mind. And I know it's not that they don't like me or that they think I'm not good for Hector or anything like that - it's just an issue with my divorce. Anyway, when I was driving into town later that night, I started praying about it, asking God for confirmation.

When I met up with Hector, he said, "I forgot to tell you about the conversation with my mom that I had today. She was listening to a Spanish worship song, and I started singing along. She asked if I'd been practicing my Spanish, so I said, 'Why? Did you meet the perfect Spanish girl for me?' My mom didn't pause in saying, 'No, you've already met the perfect girl, and her name is Heather.'"

It completely blew me away that on the day that I would specifically be asking for this confirmation, particularly in regards to his parents, that it would come.

Sue (the leader) also asked how many of us have the same struggles that we've had for years in terms of our faith. As she spoke about that, it dawned on me how true that had been. The same things that pull me away from my faith now are the same things that pulled me away when I started dating D.... and if I'm not prayerfully seeking God's help to overcome them, I will end up right where I was when I was making the biggest mistakes of my life.

Sue said, "Do you feel like God's left you or has abandoned you? He died on the cross for you. Why would He do all of that and then abandon you now?"

And all day, I heard the verse that I've heard so many times throughout my life. I first heard this when a junior high school science teacher signed my yearbook "Jere 29:11." His name is Jeremiah, but he went by Jere. I adored that teacher. Anyway, the verse says: "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not destroy you, plans to bring about the future you hope for."

It is a verse that has *always* spoken to me, that has never become overly familiar to the point where I don't "hear" is anymore. It is, in some ways, my life verse. And now, when I find myself in a place in life that I didn't necessarily want to be, it is a poignant reminder that God's work in me is not finished. The tears that I cry are not unnoticed. "And Your thoughts to us," says Psalm 40, "cannot be recounted to You in order; if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered."

So. I am not sure how to end this, if there is more that should be said, or if this is anything more than ramblings to anyone else. But I do feel that I'm at yet another turning point in my faith where I have opportunity to make a clear choice that shows where my heart truly lies. I think maybe I'm going in the right direction this time.