Beliefs of today.

It has been forever since I wrote in here. Bet you're kind of shocked to even find something new, aren't you? I can't believe this blog still gets hits.

I really wasn't even planning on writing in here tonight. In fact, I was in the mood to write an "I hate you" letter to my ex-husband, and instead, I decided to come into this one. Seeking peace, perhaps.

But I feel that I should write about faith. And where I am.

*sigh*

*deep, cleansing breath*

Oh. Wait. I don't know where I am.

I guess that's why I don't write in here anymore. I am so up and down about my faith - or, really, about Christianity. I feel like I should only have deep thoughts if I want to come in here and post, and if I don't even have solid, concrete thoughts - well, aren't I just wasting all of our time?

The problem, though, is that I don't get much figured out.

And I also feel this extra pressure to be intelligent about it all. For years, I've felt like you can only be one of two things: intelligent or Christian. That sounds so bad, I know, especially since some of the most intelligent writers I've encountered have been people of faith. But these days, within intellectual circles, there is more than a stigma against anyone who believes.

The problem is, though, that most of the time, I'm not a deep thinker about Christianity. When I have plenty of time to write and reflect - like over the summer - I can maybe come up with something. Most of the time, though, I just go by emotion and intuition - nothing of true substance.

Sometimes, I guess, faith isn't really a rational thing.

I'm sure playing at the small church hasn't done anything for my faith. If anything, it's been damaging. The people are lovely, and the music is fun. That's it. I don't feel God there. Should God be a feeling? I don't know. But there is no life, and that doesn't seem right to me. I beat myself up over this sometimes. If I know I'm not growing spiritually from my church, I should not be going to the church. Obviously. Sometimes, it seems like a test of my faith: am I willing to make the change and officially quit so that I can start growing again?

Regardless, I feel pressed to write about what I believe, more for me than anyone else. I still cringe at the label of "Christian", not because of what the Christian faith itself entails but more because of what Christian tends to mean in American society. Or, at least, what I perceive Christian to mean.

So.

I believe in God. For me, this is not something that wavers. I don't ever seem to doubt that God exists. Way back when, I questioned His presence, but I seem to have moved past that, too.

I believe that God is a good God. That, too, is solid. I don't think I ever ask, "How could God let this happen?" In fact, I sort of cringe when other people say that around me. I don't wonder, like so many people, "how could a good God let bad things happen?" It's simplistic, but I just figure that He's got a reason, and that's fine.

I believe that God answers prayers. I believe that when I ask Him to help me love my students each morning, that He gives me that love. And I believe that when I am perfunctory in reciting that prayer, that He responds in turn by not giving as abundantly. I believe that He responds when I ask Him to watch over Anthony and me; I believe that He listened when I asked Him to be with Anthony during his interviews and to guide Anthony to the right job, one that he would enjoy and look forward to going to each day.

I believe that most people are generally good, and I know I'm going against traditional Christian thinking here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a Christian bemoan the statistics that say that most Americans believe themselves to be good people. Most Christians I've encountered instead say that we are bad people who sometimes do good things. I don't buy that. I think, instead, that we are good people who sometimes do bad things. If I go through the course of my day, I think the good - and at least the average - outweighs the bad.

However. I get that we are people in need of redemption. It doesn't matter if we're bad or good - doesn't matter what our label is - unless that label is perfect. I get the whole idea that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). We're mostly good people, but we're still inadequate when viewed in the ligth of a perfect God.

I don't believe that the Bible "stories" are just parables. Or maybe I do. Heh. This is where it gets a little more difficult. I say that I think that they're real, but then I try to picture a man being led through the desert with a pillar of fire in front of him, or a guy sitting inside of a whale, and it gets a little sketchy. But, to a degree, all of history feels this way to me: distant, fuzzy, uncertain. I wasn't there: how can I know for sure? But in my eyes, if God wanted them to just be instructional, why wouldn't He have just said that?

Jesus. I believe in Jesus. I believe He was man and God. I believe He died and rose again. But I am more likely to waver on than I am on my belief in God, if I'm going to be honest. God, for me, is easy to believe in: we have the world as evidence.

Heaven. Hell. Even when I was more assured in my faith, I struggled with this one. I don't know what to believe happens after we die. I don't like the idea of death. I'm wholl yuncomfortable with it. I have this image of my consciousness floating around space for all of eternity, and I'll be honest - it freaks me out.

I think that's all I've got for now. It's past my bedtime.