Less figured out.
I haven't written in here in nearly two years. *tap tap* Is anyone even out there? I almost put this in Cups of Coffee, but I'm here instead.
On Sunday night, I realized it was Palm Sunday. I'd had no idea. Hadn't thought about it. Planned a camping trip for next weekend because Easter meant nothing to me.
It kind of made me sad.
Then, this morning, I saw that a former student who had recently been saved had commented on a video, so I watched it. It was a bunch of college kids with guitars, sitting in a room, worshiping.
Ah, how that took me back.
I am ever so conflicted about faith. Those videos stir longing in me that I don't know how to resolve. God feels so close. We have a quick embrace, and then I push Him away - arm's length - because I don't know what I want from Him. (I sense, in writing this, that that's the wrong way to be thinking about this. But then, I cringe as I say "wrong," because that is something I don't like about Christianity, the clearly black and white. Right and wrong.)
I am a gray area. I want gray areas.
But when I hear worship music, my soul bows down.
I remember past Easters. I remember sitting in my climbing tree, reflecting on what it meant to my soul, writing and rejoicing in spring, in its warmth and symbolic nature.
I wonder how my wavering faith now gets funneled into wanting a romantic partner.
Maybe this is what I need to figure out first. When I hear Kelly talk about couples who share faith, I think, "I want that." But then I wonder what it will cost of me. Could I ever find someone with a similar view of faith? Ha. That's just laughable when I have no idea what I really do believe.
I want someone I can go to church with. Worship with. (And that makes me shudder a bit. It feels too intimate, almost. Like dancing with someone. If they don't do it the right way, will I be embarrassed? Do I even mean anything by 'the right way'?)
But do I want a relationship the way a church defines a relationship? No. Probably not.
For instance, I wrote in my Match profile that I want someone I can go to church with, someone who doesn't have everything figured out. As soon as someone writes and says that he thinks faith would be a problem if we started dating, I'm quick to concede and say, "No, no, it's not that big a deal. Don't worry about it."
Yesterday, I thought of Peter, thought of how the me from ten years ago would cringe at the me of today, what with my ready denials of being Christian. Someone asked me that over the weekend: "Are you still a Christian?" I hedged, said something like, "I don't know what I am."
I wonder if I would still like the me of ten years ago. Would I find her too certain, too evangelistic, too simpleminded and provincial? Would I wish that she were more engaged with life itself instead of a Christian bubble? Would I attend the Bible studies she led?
Would I hug her? Slap her? Cry with her?
Cry for her?
On Sunday night, I realized it was Palm Sunday. I'd had no idea. Hadn't thought about it. Planned a camping trip for next weekend because Easter meant nothing to me.
It kind of made me sad.
Then, this morning, I saw that a former student who had recently been saved had commented on a video, so I watched it. It was a bunch of college kids with guitars, sitting in a room, worshiping.
Ah, how that took me back.
I am ever so conflicted about faith. Those videos stir longing in me that I don't know how to resolve. God feels so close. We have a quick embrace, and then I push Him away - arm's length - because I don't know what I want from Him. (I sense, in writing this, that that's the wrong way to be thinking about this. But then, I cringe as I say "wrong," because that is something I don't like about Christianity, the clearly black and white. Right and wrong.)
I am a gray area. I want gray areas.
But when I hear worship music, my soul bows down.
I remember past Easters. I remember sitting in my climbing tree, reflecting on what it meant to my soul, writing and rejoicing in spring, in its warmth and symbolic nature.
I wonder how my wavering faith now gets funneled into wanting a romantic partner.
Maybe this is what I need to figure out first. When I hear Kelly talk about couples who share faith, I think, "I want that." But then I wonder what it will cost of me. Could I ever find someone with a similar view of faith? Ha. That's just laughable when I have no idea what I really do believe.
I want someone I can go to church with. Worship with. (And that makes me shudder a bit. It feels too intimate, almost. Like dancing with someone. If they don't do it the right way, will I be embarrassed? Do I even mean anything by 'the right way'?)
But do I want a relationship the way a church defines a relationship? No. Probably not.
For instance, I wrote in my Match profile that I want someone I can go to church with, someone who doesn't have everything figured out. As soon as someone writes and says that he thinks faith would be a problem if we started dating, I'm quick to concede and say, "No, no, it's not that big a deal. Don't worry about it."
Yesterday, I thought of Peter, thought of how the me from ten years ago would cringe at the me of today, what with my ready denials of being Christian. Someone asked me that over the weekend: "Are you still a Christian?" I hedged, said something like, "I don't know what I am."
I wonder if I would still like the me of ten years ago. Would I find her too certain, too evangelistic, too simpleminded and provincial? Would I wish that she were more engaged with life itself instead of a Christian bubble? Would I attend the Bible studies she led?
Would I hug her? Slap her? Cry with her?
Cry for her?
posted by Heather at 8:08 AM
6 Comments:
your soul grows up, learns things, changes, just like your body and your mind. You are in a situation right now where you are forced to question everything as part of your training. You will come back to faith in a different way. That is my divine prediction :)
I agree with the coming back in a different way. A way that makes the most sense to you at the time, and then, things will probably get jiggled around again. And again. But that's sort of what faith IS. Believing that all the jiggling is exactly what is necessary for your particular path.
I can just say that I know exactly what you mean.
Oh Heather! I completely understand and am finally coming out on the other side with a new understanding (kind of) of my faith and where it will direct me, even though the hesitations are there because I never want to go back to who I was ten years ago. I really think our college experience was a difficult one and one that made me have many doubts and uncomfortable feelings post college about faith. I truly believe that Christians and the church are rarely what God intended them to be. If that's the case I'm still in on the Christian thing but I hate to be grouped into something I have so many issues with. Long story not so short - I getcha!
Wow. I love the blog entry and the comments.
I think faith is a constantly moving, changing thing (for lack of a better word) -- if it weren't, you would be stagnant. Questioning and wondering are integral to growing, not just in academia, but in faith as well. Of course, this is coming from someone who also forgot Palm Sunday :)
Post a Comment
<< Home