The words I needed, from the dearest of sources.

I always think that anyone who doesn't believe that God is omnipresent hasn't opened a Bible.

It always amazes me how, sometimes, when we seek the Word for help, we find exactly what we needed.

That happened today. I'm having a tough week. Emotionally, I feel pretty OK despite being tired, but things with the divorce are pretty much coming to a head. I think D and I have essentially reached a conclusion that I'll have to blog about when I get a chance, but in every one of his emails, he inserts a few low blows at me.

Last night, I was very frustrated with it. I was disppointed with the conclusion we've come to, because I feel like I'm giving up so much, but it's worth it to move on. D had accused me of having "greed runith over" (his spelling).

Hector and I were talking last night on the phone... and first of all - what a tremendous blessing he is to me. I understand better than ever why we are supposed to be with other believers. When he came out to the house last night to see my cat, he left behind a passage of Scripture that really spoke to my heart. And we've been going for a walk every day, either before my class or after my class, which has been such a great time to recap our days and regroup and redirect our focus heavenward.

Last night, when we were talking, he just reminded me of so many Scriptural truths. I felt like D was getting to walk all over me, and I was tired of not getting to lash back at him with the same low blows.

Today, I read from Jeremiah and Hebrews, the books that I'm working through, but I felt like there was something else I needed to get, so I turned to Proverbs.

First, I read this - Proverbs 17:10 - "Rebuke is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool." That kind of grabbed me, because each time D throws words at me, I stop and ask myself, "Is that really who I am? Am I doing right?"

Even with the greed thing - it kind of reminded me that I'm getting so caught up in this money, and while I feel that I deserve a certain percentage of the house, it's *just* money. There are bigger things. God has been so gracious in providing for me financially throughout this whole ordeal - it's almost like I'm ignoring His blessing in that as I fight for more of the house.

Anyway, I think that maybe I should be thanking God that my heart isn't so hard that I can still take a "rebuke," even when it's from an unreliable source like D... becase I'd rather that than be on the dismissive side that he's on, unable to recognize his own evil ways.

Then I read this - Proverbs 17:27-8 - "He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive."

Ah.

Enough said.

A prayer not answered.

Last night, I was upset.

You know this, if you read the other blog.

So I wrote about it. That seemed to just make me more upset. Writing is how I work through my thoughts, so writing just made me dwell on how upsetting the situation was.

I wasn't sure what to do next, so I called Hector. He was hanging out with his friends, and normally I wouldn't want to interrupt that, but I figured this was an exceptional situation, and really, I just wanted to leave a message so he could call me later, after he'd left.

No answer. Left a message. And felt rather unsure what to do next.

So I read the Word. I'd already read through the chapter or two of Jeremiah that I'd planned on reading, but instead, I got back in.

And read this:

"'Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.'" (Jeremiah 17:5)

Man. How *often* I do that. How little I have faith in God's help and provision. As soon as I opened Outlook last night and saw that there was a message from D, my heart began pounding audibly. So, before opening the message, I prayed - for strength to just get through reading that message. I prayed for a few minutes, actually, trying to calm down and remember that God is in control, before I read.

After opening it, though, I was so overwhelmed with disappointment that I just kind of forgot about God. It was just Him and me in that room, and I felt alone, without seeking Him. I reverted to what I've trained myself to do - looking for other people. I checked to see if anyone was online, thought about who I might call.

It was good to get back into the Word last night. I read some of Hebrews, too. I'm not really sure why, but I felt drawn to it, so there I went.

I don't know that I feel that God showed me any miraculous ways to solve the situation with D, but I was certainly humbled to be reminded how basic my faith is sometimes. "For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the first principles of the oracles of God; and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe." (Hebrews 5:12-13)

And you know, if I'm going to be totally honest, I was disappointed with God in this one, too, because I was praying so heavily for resolution and peace in this situation, and I didn't get it. D is no more willing to compromise than he was before, but he was accusatory to me in his email because *I* haven't been willing to budge.

But I know that God is bigger than this situation. Hebrews 4:16 reminded me: "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I thought that the lesson for me, here, was to pray with faith that God could change this situation. Maybe the lesson, instead, is to persist in prayer, instead of expecting an immediate answer and then giving up.

The Word.

I know that I've been neglecting this blog. It's not that I plan on writing in it infrequently. It's that I struggle, sometimes, to find time to get into the Word. When I'm not in the Word, I'm not reflecting on the Word, and I don't see God's hand upon my life as much as I otherwise would. And then I won't be writing about what I am learning about God or seeing God do or - basically - any of the things that I plan on writing about in here.

I think that reading God's Word is a lot like exercise. Some days, I really struggle to get myself to the gym. I can start the day with the best of intentions, and I can pack my gym bag and even set aside the time - and then, when it's actually time to do it, I come up with excuses - I'm too tired or sore or wrapped up in other things.

When I do get my butt there, though, I find that after a couple of minutes, I'm usually quite into it. Exercise makes me want to exercise more. I notice the effects of exercise - the feeling good, the euphoria - last quite some time after I've finished.

And that's what God's Word is like for me. If I'm in it, I want to spend more time reading it, and the more time I spend, the more hungry and thirsty and excited that I feel. But some days, for stupid reasons, it's hard for me to get myself to the point where I've opened it. And then those days accumulate - one right after another.

So. Yeah. I had a few days where I wasn't in it. I get so frustrated with myself when I do that. I don't feel guilty or feel a sense of obligation, like this is what I Should be doing. I get frustrated because I know how blessed I feel when I'm in the Word - I know how it shapes my life, actions, and thoughts in such an incredible, supernatural way, and yet I still struggle to bring myself to the point where I'm reading it.

When I'm in the Word, I typically read through an entire book of the Bible. Sometimes I'll read a Psalm or search out what it says about a certain topic, but I do try to regularly work through different books of the Bible; I think that's wise to prevent ourselves from taking verses out of context.

Anyway, over Easter, I started reading Matthew, and I felt sure that I should read through all of the Gospels so, as I read each one, they'd be fresh in my mind, and I'd be able to make connections among them.

When I finished Matthew, though, I was certain that I needed to get into the Old Testament, particularly to read a book that I hadn't really read before. I thought it was going to be Isaiah, but as I prayed about it that day, I really felt drawn to Jeremiah.

It's been incredible. I'll confess that I usually read the Old Testament with trepidation, thinking that it's not relevant or that I won't be able to understand it.

Jeremiah's been anything but that for me. I feel like it's been giving me such insight into Who God is, Who He's been through the ages. It's really been a rich experience.

As I write about my reflections on this, remember that I'm far from being a Biblical scholar. I only know what *I've* been thinking as I read these passages; I know what I think God's been saying to me.

The first thing to really strike me was 6:10: "To whom shall I speak and give warning, that they may hear? Indeed their ear is uncircumcised, And they cannot give heed. Behold, the word ofthe Lord is a reproach to them; They have no delight in it."

I feel like I hear this from people all of the time, and I especially think it relates to how many people view Hector and my choice to remain chaste with each other. For ages - centuries - people have viewed the Word of God as a limiting rule book, full of restrictions for a person's life. Hector told me that, as a kid, he remembered grumbling internally that we Christians weren't supposed to do any of the fun stuff.

I know that I definitely bought into that line of thinking as I strayed from God. "Look at what I've been missing out on! Wow! This is a whole new world."

I definitely thought that about sex. I was 22 when I "lost" my virginity (I *hate* that terminology. I didn't lose it. I know exactly where it went and to whom it was given.). I think Jeremiah even touched upon this in 2:33 - "Why do you beautify your way to seek love? Therefore you have also taught The wicked women your ways." Our society has definitely beautified sex as a way to seek love. I'm not saying that sex isn't a part of love, because it is, of course. But it's not the be-all and end-all of love, or the demonstration of love, you know? Lately, I've really been learning that true love is about selflessness and willing sacrifice, having a nature that is giving. Sex is only a part of that love - it is not the representation of that love, if that makes any kind of sense.

But, like I was writing, 6:10 spoke to me because I don't think that anyone who isn't regularly reading the Word can really understand how it is freeing and life-giving, rather than a drain on good times. I daresay that this is true for many people who attend church regularly but don't spend private time reading the Bible; I think that they attend church seeking God's rewards and renewal without wanting to really make moral changes in their lives because they don't recognize the deep blessing that sacrifice can have in their life. Ah, there's that bit about "true love" again.

Jeremiah also talks about the consequences of knowing God and then separating ourselves from Him - backsliding, as it's called. Just like *I* did. Maybe that's why Jeremiah is speaking to me to such a degree: I knew God, and then I sought life without God. And Jeremiah even talks about how it's hard to return; it's hard to reestablish that relationship - even more difficult than it was to begin walking with God.

I have more to write about; I'm not even up to what I read today, but I need to make copies and grab some lunch, so I'll try to come back to this this evening.

The X-files of faith.

I think, sometimes, we forget that God is supernatural.

Driving to work today was an amazing experience. It was one of those freakishly beautiful mornings where you cannot help but appreciate the stunningly gorgeous facets of the world in which we live.

The trees were dripping with the residue of rain, and a mist was rising from the wet grass. The sky was a brilliant blue, and the sun beckoned through the haze - you know, filtered in such a way that you could see individual rays. Wisps of clouds hung around the mountains.

I was listening to David Crowder, singing hallejuah along with him, taking pause to really worship God and to express my thankfulness and gratitude for what He is doing and has done in my life - and for Who He is. I thought about how incredibly blessed I am to know God, and my thoughts went to my AP kids.

They are such extraordinarily intelligent kids. Their intelligence causes me to look at them as peers quite often, because I feel like we're on the same wavelength. What has always surprised me about that class is the inordinate number of them that are Christians or are at least believers in God.

See, there's this trend among intellectuals to believe that there can't possibly be a God. One of my sharper college prep students, in his letter of appreciation (or perhaps letter of disgust - I couldn't quite tell), wrote: "You have taught me that the world needs its gods, and that it's much too annoying to try to prove it wrong." There is a bit more cynic in him than most intellectuals that I've encountered, but I find that those intelligent friends view it like this:

There's no rational explanation for God. Ah, I have the power of reason, and this allows me to shift through the loose ends of this thing called religion. There's no explanation for so many things - so many things that don't seem to add up, or that seem mystical, or that don't adhere to that which we know as Science.

But this resides on faulty logic - that God is required to operate under the terms and conditions of our world, our nature. That He is restrained by the same laws. God is outside human ration, reason and logic, and I think He is quite present, in His supernatural way, when the intellectuals deny the possibility of His existence based off of what we know with our human knowledge.

I think God must think, "I scoff in your general direction."

An age-old dilemma.

Heh.

So, here's a chicken-or-the-egg type issue. Do I start blogging in here about the thought I just had while reading Scripture, or do I take the little time that I have to blog to go into the real blog and let you know about the new blog? How many times can you use blog in a sentence before it becomes redundant? I wonder if "blog" can even be used as a verb and a gerund like I used in in the sentence.

Ack! Stop me! I'm rambling about useless crap when I have too many other things to write about!

OK. The plan. I shall go back to the real blog and introduce the new blog. Hopefully I'll get a chance today to write about the Scripture thought I had before I forget it. In the meantime, leave a comment, because I'm curious who is actually going to be making their way into this blog.